One year older, five years wiser? End of 2019 Reflection
I have not updated much since last December... and a lot has happened in the course of the year.
I went to visit North Carolina last January and I could tell I have slowly became more confident since the move. I did try and squeeze all the visits in and that was pretty tiring to say the least. I am hoping to go again next month because of the positive feelings going back.
Spring 2019 semester: I had a hard time but I also learned I can pull through. I took Human Metabolism and Nutrition, Invasion Biology, and Wildlife Ecology and Management. I struggled with Wildlife Ecology and Management - which had me question what I was doing in this program. Turns out, I did not know I had needed extended testing - I always finished in parameters given for the exam (without essays). My professor encouraged me to talk to someone about the challenges with writing & reading comprehension and connected me with a different intake counselor. Turns out, I had a "hidden" specific learning disability - but more on that later on in the post. I also learned I was not taking courses that were a solid fit but because of my advisor suggestion. I notice in Invasion Biology, I did not know much about marine life, plants, animals, and some insects. Right about this time, I asked my Wildlife Ecology Professor if it made sense for to take the lab component of the class in the fall... He was truly honest, and said not with my thesis topic/interests. Probably explained why I was thriving in Human Nutrition and Metabolism, granted it was a hard class - but I grasped biochemistry concepts way easier.
Around advising, I finally told my advisor that I did not want to take entomology in the fall. This came as a shock to her because I am studying ticks. She did let me choose the classes I wanted for the fall - which she does not ever do for her other advisees. I did choose the classes, but I realized my interests were not being taken into consideration or even known. I started to contemplating going post-bacc for teaching because I was questioning everything I knew about academia.
Aside from classes, I loved substituting, even with all the stereotypes of students not liking substitutes. I was no longer receiving assignments from one school so started subbing at Diloreto [more] and Northend and loved both places. I did subbed for the STEAM teachers at Diloreto and I asked questions and connected with them. I also meet the two pre-k teachers when I did a floating assignment. Both of them encouraged me to come back and help out anytime with how well I did with the kids. I was also able to blend STEAM activities and volunteering for those classes. After spring 2019 ended, I spent the entire month subbing and volunteering and loved it. I also gained so much appreciation for teachers, so much love for the students, interest in STEAM outreach, and friends/mentors.
Summer was a rollercoaster... I started having issues with waking up on time and just burning out. I was able to continue my field work but I started noticing some challenges that I was not anticipating. The first issue was being told about a research position by my advisor - where there was already a decision made and was told via email. I was upset because jobs are usually interviewed fairly or if you have a connection - it is "hush-hush." I also was told I was not living up to my potential - and my advisor wanted me to share my expectations of her. I found this to be on the hardest things, because I know this is the person who writes my recommendations for a PhD program. I was pretty much behind on her "expectations" for the thesis which would forecast changes in the future semester.
I also had a brief job because I did not know what my options were... Thankfully by the end of the summer I secured a GA job in SDS. I was also able to find a new place to rent and my parents helped me a lot during this time. I was also living in a house where I had [severe] allergy symptoms from October/November 2018 (heat on) to March 2019... and I did have copays from urgent care, asthma specialist, allergy/sinus medications, and my normal medical costs. This was a hard pill to swallow because it is easy for a parent to think their adult child is blowing their money - and it was not that. [But more on parents and child and pursuit of academia later]. I did learn after getting my ear looked at for wax impact, I had low grade chronic sinusitis. Yes, I had not NOTICED inability to smell properly for months at this house - thankfully I was able to smell much better after moving.
Fall 2019: I started off the semester with angst about my thesis proposal. I did get it done but wanted to revise it but then put it to the back burner. I also had my committee together which turned out to be a blessing later. My thesis data was also very interesting in the fact that I found more dog ticks in our county compared to deer tick. Surprising because of the data found on the states website. I did start off the semester - and three months after initial conversation - with asking my advisor to hear me out when I talk to her, without being condescending. This was one of the hardest things for me to do but I did it in a respectful way. I did find myself avoiding lab meetings (I mean, I had scheduled a physical and subbing job to get out of this) and I just felt like I was making no progress anyways. Towards the middle of the semester, she went to the director of SDS (they said they deal with this anyways but I was skeptical anyways) to express her frustrations and see what to do. I found out after my accommodations counselor called me in and brought up what happened. I DID NOT TAKE THIS VERY WELL!!! Full blown asthma attack from being upset and late turn in of a lab - not something I like to do! When I did go to her for advising, she brought up the elephant in the room and said I can switch to the other person on my committee. I was surprised because we were able to be civil about it. Not all mismatched advisors-advisees end with strife like I feared.
However, aside from the pattern of avoiding and questioning myself. I gained a lot from this semester... One of my key self-realization moments was "Why did I begin?". I began because I have an innate curiosity about EVERYTHING.. I also had a brother affected by the exact thing that is a part of what I am studying... and then it clicks. I also loved all of my classes this semester... quite the 180 from spring (and much to my wildlife ecology professor who was also my seminar professor). I found comfort in my epigenetics professor who was willing to talk about some of the similar interest topics... surprisingly I am not the only molecular, human, and environmental science person haha... I was also pushed out of my comfort zone in her class. I am very familiar with detail oriented mind she has but she also was different. She used multimedia approaches in her course, which is what I was used to in undergrad and it clicked for me. She also had us read 6 articles in depth - then quizzed us. I appreciate the reading them, but I slacked off a lot (and I am used to these articles). She included real life research into the content and wants us to focus on the bigger picture. Neuroscience turned out to be a better fit for me the entire graduate career. I have done really well in class and am able to make sense of how brains work. I also was clue into my own "SLD" - which turns out is visual processing related - my records talked about slow eye tracking & visual processing on the testing... Contemporary Issues in Education - I loved this class just not the time of day it was... My professor has a very interesting background. She is from Kenya and decided to get her masters degree here to help refugee students who she taught in Kenya. She has stayed and gotten another masters degree and her phd. She choose to do class discussion, used multimedia sources, had us teach, and guest speakers. I was also able to share my own story about being a student who faced low-income stereotypes but had supportive people who helped me get to where I am today....
I also can't forget about the Co-op with STEAM teachers I was able to do and just having that to help me get through many of the crazy weeks I had.
This past year I have grown so much! I am a lot more confident compared to previous years. I was shocked at myself when I finally asked for what I was looking for in graduate school. I am finding my voice and sharing my story. I am also very resilient. These plights have not been easy, but not anything I can't handle!
I went to visit North Carolina last January and I could tell I have slowly became more confident since the move. I did try and squeeze all the visits in and that was pretty tiring to say the least. I am hoping to go again next month because of the positive feelings going back.
Spring 2019 semester: I had a hard time but I also learned I can pull through. I took Human Metabolism and Nutrition, Invasion Biology, and Wildlife Ecology and Management. I struggled with Wildlife Ecology and Management - which had me question what I was doing in this program. Turns out, I did not know I had needed extended testing - I always finished in parameters given for the exam (without essays). My professor encouraged me to talk to someone about the challenges with writing & reading comprehension and connected me with a different intake counselor. Turns out, I had a "hidden" specific learning disability - but more on that later on in the post. I also learned I was not taking courses that were a solid fit but because of my advisor suggestion. I notice in Invasion Biology, I did not know much about marine life, plants, animals, and some insects. Right about this time, I asked my Wildlife Ecology Professor if it made sense for to take the lab component of the class in the fall... He was truly honest, and said not with my thesis topic/interests. Probably explained why I was thriving in Human Nutrition and Metabolism, granted it was a hard class - but I grasped biochemistry concepts way easier.
Around advising, I finally told my advisor that I did not want to take entomology in the fall. This came as a shock to her because I am studying ticks. She did let me choose the classes I wanted for the fall - which she does not ever do for her other advisees. I did choose the classes, but I realized my interests were not being taken into consideration or even known. I started to contemplating going post-bacc for teaching because I was questioning everything I knew about academia.
Aside from classes, I loved substituting, even with all the stereotypes of students not liking substitutes. I was no longer receiving assignments from one school so started subbing at Diloreto [more] and Northend and loved both places. I did subbed for the STEAM teachers at Diloreto and I asked questions and connected with them. I also meet the two pre-k teachers when I did a floating assignment. Both of them encouraged me to come back and help out anytime with how well I did with the kids. I was also able to blend STEAM activities and volunteering for those classes. After spring 2019 ended, I spent the entire month subbing and volunteering and loved it. I also gained so much appreciation for teachers, so much love for the students, interest in STEAM outreach, and friends/mentors.
Summer was a rollercoaster... I started having issues with waking up on time and just burning out. I was able to continue my field work but I started noticing some challenges that I was not anticipating. The first issue was being told about a research position by my advisor - where there was already a decision made and was told via email. I was upset because jobs are usually interviewed fairly or if you have a connection - it is "hush-hush." I also was told I was not living up to my potential - and my advisor wanted me to share my expectations of her. I found this to be on the hardest things, because I know this is the person who writes my recommendations for a PhD program. I was pretty much behind on her "expectations" for the thesis which would forecast changes in the future semester.
I also had a brief job because I did not know what my options were... Thankfully by the end of the summer I secured a GA job in SDS. I was also able to find a new place to rent and my parents helped me a lot during this time. I was also living in a house where I had [severe] allergy symptoms from October/November 2018 (heat on) to March 2019... and I did have copays from urgent care, asthma specialist, allergy/sinus medications, and my normal medical costs. This was a hard pill to swallow because it is easy for a parent to think their adult child is blowing their money - and it was not that. [But more on parents and child and pursuit of academia later]. I did learn after getting my ear looked at for wax impact, I had low grade chronic sinusitis. Yes, I had not NOTICED inability to smell properly for months at this house - thankfully I was able to smell much better after moving.
Fall 2019: I started off the semester with angst about my thesis proposal. I did get it done but wanted to revise it but then put it to the back burner. I also had my committee together which turned out to be a blessing later. My thesis data was also very interesting in the fact that I found more dog ticks in our county compared to deer tick. Surprising because of the data found on the states website. I did start off the semester - and three months after initial conversation - with asking my advisor to hear me out when I talk to her, without being condescending. This was one of the hardest things for me to do but I did it in a respectful way. I did find myself avoiding lab meetings (I mean, I had scheduled a physical and subbing job to get out of this) and I just felt like I was making no progress anyways. Towards the middle of the semester, she went to the director of SDS (they said they deal with this anyways but I was skeptical anyways) to express her frustrations and see what to do. I found out after my accommodations counselor called me in and brought up what happened. I DID NOT TAKE THIS VERY WELL!!! Full blown asthma attack from being upset and late turn in of a lab - not something I like to do! When I did go to her for advising, she brought up the elephant in the room and said I can switch to the other person on my committee. I was surprised because we were able to be civil about it. Not all mismatched advisors-advisees end with strife like I feared.
However, aside from the pattern of avoiding and questioning myself. I gained a lot from this semester... One of my key self-realization moments was "Why did I begin?". I began because I have an innate curiosity about EVERYTHING.. I also had a brother affected by the exact thing that is a part of what I am studying... and then it clicks. I also loved all of my classes this semester... quite the 180 from spring (and much to my wildlife ecology professor who was also my seminar professor). I found comfort in my epigenetics professor who was willing to talk about some of the similar interest topics... surprisingly I am not the only molecular, human, and environmental science person haha... I was also pushed out of my comfort zone in her class. I am very familiar with detail oriented mind she has but she also was different. She used multimedia approaches in her course, which is what I was used to in undergrad and it clicked for me. She also had us read 6 articles in depth - then quizzed us. I appreciate the reading them, but I slacked off a lot (and I am used to these articles). She included real life research into the content and wants us to focus on the bigger picture. Neuroscience turned out to be a better fit for me the entire graduate career. I have done really well in class and am able to make sense of how brains work. I also was clue into my own "SLD" - which turns out is visual processing related - my records talked about slow eye tracking & visual processing on the testing... Contemporary Issues in Education - I loved this class just not the time of day it was... My professor has a very interesting background. She is from Kenya and decided to get her masters degree here to help refugee students who she taught in Kenya. She has stayed and gotten another masters degree and her phd. She choose to do class discussion, used multimedia sources, had us teach, and guest speakers. I was also able to share my own story about being a student who faced low-income stereotypes but had supportive people who helped me get to where I am today....
I also can't forget about the Co-op with STEAM teachers I was able to do and just having that to help me get through many of the crazy weeks I had.
This past year I have grown so much! I am a lot more confident compared to previous years. I was shocked at myself when I finally asked for what I was looking for in graduate school. I am finding my voice and sharing my story. I am also very resilient. These plights have not been easy, but not anything I can't handle!
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