Finished my final paper! Say what... Reflections on my thoughts with disabilities and higher ed
I am ecstatic and relieved that my final academic paper is finally complete. I do have the hurdle of finishing a proposal, completing an IRB, and writing the thesis left. But I do have some thoughts I have on have ADHD, anxiety, and sensory issues and going forward, whether as a researcher or academic.
Sometimes, I wish life would come with a manual. Like the books that tell women what to expect during pregnancy. In all my years of learning and interacting with people with ASD, ADD/ADHD, mental health, and other differences - I have learned no two people are the same. We all have commonalities but differ - like how genetics make-up varies (unless you are identical twins).
I grew up in adverse situations which did affect me in subtle ways, such as having selective mutism, being hypervigilant, experiencing obsessive compulsive tendencies, and anxiety attacks. These subsided once I was able to get out of the situation and unmasked underlying challenges, especially academically.
I do remember a few things from my childhood that were definitely different - such as constantly running around the house, spinning, or jumping on my bed, never sitting through a TV show, dislike of leggings/courdaroy, and picky eating... I was not your typical picky eater - I really liked vegetables, fruit, biscuits, pickles - but did not like chicken pot pie, dumpling, most meats, chicken nuggets (I would eat the chicken but leave the skin), etc. I also was not aware of my left and right - unless I looked at the crooked right pinky finger.
When I was 12 years old, my homeroom teacher decided to reach out for an evaluation for an I.E.P. At the time, I was struggling with OCD surrounding writing (I would go through paper because my writing did not look right), I lost my stuff, my locker was a mess, and I had to babysit my younger sister. Upon doing I.E.P meeting, I learned that I did not qualify for any services - but I was ADHD and notable challenges at home affecting my academics. After learning I had ADHD, I started disclosing it to my teachers (I don't remember why, other than I had a teacher discern changes after I started a stint of medication).
From 8th through 12th grade - I noticed my tendency to bounce around with hobbies, delve into random subjects, frustration with school, need for challenge, and stereotypes people had of me. I noticed early on in high school that regular classes lead to some behaviors. I skipped class and did not stop until my first mentor (creative writing teacher) kept to her consequence if I did not stop. I also noticed, I spent a lot of time out in the hallway to complete assignments - whether it was talking to my best friend, zoning out, or being unable to focus with noise. I did thrive when I made the decision to switch from regular ed classes to honors level courses. The change did not come without challenges though - I struggled to complete summer assignments (with the exception of my close friend), my grades were all over the place (I am forever thankful for End of Course Exams), and the assumptions some of my teachers had about me. While I excelled in my Career/Tech Education course, read a lot of psychology, retained information about biological concepts, and did okay in class - teachers thought I did not pay attention, have the ability to take an AP class, and the reflection of grades vs. what I know in class vs. EOC). I managed to makes A's in the classes where my grades were all over, I took AP psych despite being discouraged, and I fell in love with sciences.
Flash forward to my undergraduate years. I was recommended by my Honors U.S. history teacher to talk to the E.C. head at my high school after making the comment I was not college material. I was told to go to Vocational Rehab because they have resources for me, such as testing to get accommodations, job coaching, and funding for me to go to school. The testing confirmed what I had and I was able to secure accommodations and money to pay for books and tuition.
I started ADHD medication in 12th grade - I noticed a major difference in my own ability to focus without need of constant movement. At 21, I decided to come off my medication... partly because of others opinions - ranging from "it's anxiety," "ADHD is made up," and so on. Not the wisest decision and it really shaped how my academic experience was. At the time, I thought the worse part was SSRI withdrawal but I noticed I had a hard time tuning excess stimuli out, I avoided reading, I doubted my own abilities, I drank way too much coffee, and I took on way too much all the time. I did end up thriving in undergrad despite these challenges. I had wonderful mentors, I was able to take a broad range of classes which allowed for me to be cross disciplined, I fell in love with teaching kids science, I got to present at conferences, complete an internship, had my writing published in newspapers and one research newsletter, was in two honors society, and the list goes on.
I took a gap year since I was not sure what I wanted to do and wait for in state school tuition. I worked at a call center for 9 months, which was when I really noticed my own challenges that were interwined with academics. I started drinking an XL expresso coffee just to be able to get through the day - well, that did not help at all - I did not eat, lost weight, and my immune system was affected. I was very anxious and would overcompensate - I would get to work early, work late, panic about callers, etc. But I did see how HR could help accommodate, my own problem solving abilities with accounting (an odd skill but I guess science is cross disciplinary with data work), and how supportive people can help.
I made the promise to myself after getting accepted into graduate school to revisit the idea of medication. This was not an easy decision, but I was not managing it with going to the gym, drinking large quantities of coffee, and lack of confidence. I did notice the paradox during my first visit - how I was able to be "highly" functioning despite having ADHD/anxiety with a 40 hour a week job, church, a 4 year degree, and proper health. I realize that has been a theme that will follow me.
I started graduate school in fall 2018... I made the mistake of believing I was "fine" with just my medication. While the medication helped, I started noticing some underlying challenges I never quite realized. One of which, is reading - now I used to read a lot as a child - but it was mainly large print books & I would check a lot of books out at the library but only read a few of them (my librarian at the time caught on though I denied it) & WRITING. As I mentioned previously, I did a public relations work study but not without cost and oddly enough I had some overcompensation strategies. While I did get accommodations, I was not anticipating that I should have been more open about my own needs instead of hoping medication would be the cure all. I had noticed some struggles with my exams that were short answer essay like questions and I struggled on them. I remember reviewing the exams with my professor and noticed --- I did not "read" the question right. Which there were four questions related to oxygen, I got 3 of them perfectly right but... butchered the forth. By the second semester, I had talked my professor who had a similar layout - and he was shocked I made it this far with reading & writing but no idea why I had a hard time....
Pretty much after having a second meeting to see what could be done - I find out there were discrepancies with my verbal and nonverbal skills (a 28 point difference). Usually a discrepancy would indicate learning disability - but I did not fit the dyslexia/dyscalculia category - but pretty much "specific" learning disability. I did go research more records and saw delayed eye tracking in a neurologist report and my IEP testing was similar. I also remembered I have one pupil that is slightly off in size when I am bright lights...
I guess this past fall was the most appropriate time as ever to take advanced neuroscience .... I finally put the pieces together when we were learning about visual processing and the two parts that control pupil size & tracking were linked together - and a quick google search - visual processing.
My visual processing challenges also make sense in the scheme of things - because overall I struggle with my sensory system. One lady at my church who is a behaviorist with ASD kids mentioned it was apparent I had traits of sensory processing disorder when getting to know me. Once I realized that it made sense as to why certain clothes are uncomfortable, preference for crunchy and spicy foods over others, the need for running and jumping, light bothers me, other times I need to have a thousand things going on so my brain can be stimulated... (definitely is similar to stimulating brains using neurosurgery).
Although I have not had a chance to get neuropsychological testing, I have come to a point of acceptance of being "different." I have spent my entire life overcompensating by relying on listening to lectures, integrating passion into an otherwise difficult task for me, and self-advocating.
I have been able to help others who struggle with similar issues, I am a jack of all trades and unfortunately, master of none, and I have a large support network in two states. I am also person who has left and right brain skills (who knew lack of knowing right & left came in handy for something - aside from engaging each side), I am resilient, passionate, and soooo curious.
I have been learning to accept myself in this pandemic, which is not easy when doing online classes. I have worked through battles that I don't belong in higher ed (sometimes teachers/professors have not been in favour for me) but I decided to succeed to prove otherwise. I am hoping to go forward with hope, strength, resiliency, and tenacity to go forward into a research position and/or PhD program.
Sometimes, I wish life would come with a manual. Like the books that tell women what to expect during pregnancy. In all my years of learning and interacting with people with ASD, ADD/ADHD, mental health, and other differences - I have learned no two people are the same. We all have commonalities but differ - like how genetics make-up varies (unless you are identical twins).
I grew up in adverse situations which did affect me in subtle ways, such as having selective mutism, being hypervigilant, experiencing obsessive compulsive tendencies, and anxiety attacks. These subsided once I was able to get out of the situation and unmasked underlying challenges, especially academically.
I do remember a few things from my childhood that were definitely different - such as constantly running around the house, spinning, or jumping on my bed, never sitting through a TV show, dislike of leggings/courdaroy, and picky eating... I was not your typical picky eater - I really liked vegetables, fruit, biscuits, pickles - but did not like chicken pot pie, dumpling, most meats, chicken nuggets (I would eat the chicken but leave the skin), etc. I also was not aware of my left and right - unless I looked at the crooked right pinky finger.
When I was 12 years old, my homeroom teacher decided to reach out for an evaluation for an I.E.P. At the time, I was struggling with OCD surrounding writing (I would go through paper because my writing did not look right), I lost my stuff, my locker was a mess, and I had to babysit my younger sister. Upon doing I.E.P meeting, I learned that I did not qualify for any services - but I was ADHD and notable challenges at home affecting my academics. After learning I had ADHD, I started disclosing it to my teachers (I don't remember why, other than I had a teacher discern changes after I started a stint of medication).
From 8th through 12th grade - I noticed my tendency to bounce around with hobbies, delve into random subjects, frustration with school, need for challenge, and stereotypes people had of me. I noticed early on in high school that regular classes lead to some behaviors. I skipped class and did not stop until my first mentor (creative writing teacher) kept to her consequence if I did not stop. I also noticed, I spent a lot of time out in the hallway to complete assignments - whether it was talking to my best friend, zoning out, or being unable to focus with noise. I did thrive when I made the decision to switch from regular ed classes to honors level courses. The change did not come without challenges though - I struggled to complete summer assignments (with the exception of my close friend), my grades were all over the place (I am forever thankful for End of Course Exams), and the assumptions some of my teachers had about me. While I excelled in my Career/Tech Education course, read a lot of psychology, retained information about biological concepts, and did okay in class - teachers thought I did not pay attention, have the ability to take an AP class, and the reflection of grades vs. what I know in class vs. EOC). I managed to makes A's in the classes where my grades were all over, I took AP psych despite being discouraged, and I fell in love with sciences.
Flash forward to my undergraduate years. I was recommended by my Honors U.S. history teacher to talk to the E.C. head at my high school after making the comment I was not college material. I was told to go to Vocational Rehab because they have resources for me, such as testing to get accommodations, job coaching, and funding for me to go to school. The testing confirmed what I had and I was able to secure accommodations and money to pay for books and tuition.
I started ADHD medication in 12th grade - I noticed a major difference in my own ability to focus without need of constant movement. At 21, I decided to come off my medication... partly because of others opinions - ranging from "it's anxiety," "ADHD is made up," and so on. Not the wisest decision and it really shaped how my academic experience was. At the time, I thought the worse part was SSRI withdrawal but I noticed I had a hard time tuning excess stimuli out, I avoided reading, I doubted my own abilities, I drank way too much coffee, and I took on way too much all the time. I did end up thriving in undergrad despite these challenges. I had wonderful mentors, I was able to take a broad range of classes which allowed for me to be cross disciplined, I fell in love with teaching kids science, I got to present at conferences, complete an internship, had my writing published in newspapers and one research newsletter, was in two honors society, and the list goes on.
I took a gap year since I was not sure what I wanted to do and wait for in state school tuition. I worked at a call center for 9 months, which was when I really noticed my own challenges that were interwined with academics. I started drinking an XL expresso coffee just to be able to get through the day - well, that did not help at all - I did not eat, lost weight, and my immune system was affected. I was very anxious and would overcompensate - I would get to work early, work late, panic about callers, etc. But I did see how HR could help accommodate, my own problem solving abilities with accounting (an odd skill but I guess science is cross disciplinary with data work), and how supportive people can help.
I made the promise to myself after getting accepted into graduate school to revisit the idea of medication. This was not an easy decision, but I was not managing it with going to the gym, drinking large quantities of coffee, and lack of confidence. I did notice the paradox during my first visit - how I was able to be "highly" functioning despite having ADHD/anxiety with a 40 hour a week job, church, a 4 year degree, and proper health. I realize that has been a theme that will follow me.
I started graduate school in fall 2018... I made the mistake of believing I was "fine" with just my medication. While the medication helped, I started noticing some underlying challenges I never quite realized. One of which, is reading - now I used to read a lot as a child - but it was mainly large print books & I would check a lot of books out at the library but only read a few of them (my librarian at the time caught on though I denied it) & WRITING. As I mentioned previously, I did a public relations work study but not without cost and oddly enough I had some overcompensation strategies. While I did get accommodations, I was not anticipating that I should have been more open about my own needs instead of hoping medication would be the cure all. I had noticed some struggles with my exams that were short answer essay like questions and I struggled on them. I remember reviewing the exams with my professor and noticed --- I did not "read" the question right. Which there were four questions related to oxygen, I got 3 of them perfectly right but... butchered the forth. By the second semester, I had talked my professor who had a similar layout - and he was shocked I made it this far with reading & writing but no idea why I had a hard time....
Pretty much after having a second meeting to see what could be done - I find out there were discrepancies with my verbal and nonverbal skills (a 28 point difference). Usually a discrepancy would indicate learning disability - but I did not fit the dyslexia/dyscalculia category - but pretty much "specific" learning disability. I did go research more records and saw delayed eye tracking in a neurologist report and my IEP testing was similar. I also remembered I have one pupil that is slightly off in size when I am bright lights...
I guess this past fall was the most appropriate time as ever to take advanced neuroscience .... I finally put the pieces together when we were learning about visual processing and the two parts that control pupil size & tracking were linked together - and a quick google search - visual processing.
My visual processing challenges also make sense in the scheme of things - because overall I struggle with my sensory system. One lady at my church who is a behaviorist with ASD kids mentioned it was apparent I had traits of sensory processing disorder when getting to know me. Once I realized that it made sense as to why certain clothes are uncomfortable, preference for crunchy and spicy foods over others, the need for running and jumping, light bothers me, other times I need to have a thousand things going on so my brain can be stimulated... (definitely is similar to stimulating brains using neurosurgery).
Although I have not had a chance to get neuropsychological testing, I have come to a point of acceptance of being "different." I have spent my entire life overcompensating by relying on listening to lectures, integrating passion into an otherwise difficult task for me, and self-advocating.
I have been able to help others who struggle with similar issues, I am a jack of all trades and unfortunately, master of none, and I have a large support network in two states. I am also person who has left and right brain skills (who knew lack of knowing right & left came in handy for something - aside from engaging each side), I am resilient, passionate, and soooo curious.
I have been learning to accept myself in this pandemic, which is not easy when doing online classes. I have worked through battles that I don't belong in higher ed (sometimes teachers/professors have not been in favour for me) but I decided to succeed to prove otherwise. I am hoping to go forward with hope, strength, resiliency, and tenacity to go forward into a research position and/or PhD program.
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